I’ve always been a terrible decision-maker. This is why, in both my career and my love life, I would weigh all the pros and cons, get input from friends and family, and ultimately make a half-hearted decision that gave me an out. I didn’t trust my instincts. Meaning, I never jumped right in to anything – I was always just kind of dipping my toe, and if I didn’t like it, I left. I wanted certainty before I acted, and that only made me more hesitant.

For example, when I first moved to San Diego, and later to L.A., I did the temp circuit. I tried out many different offices and industries, mostly because I needed money ASAP but also because I didn’t know what to choose. This seemed easier – no commitment. So I floated from job to job until I eventually got somewhere, liked it, and stayed. I treated every new opportunity like a trial run. If it felt wrong, I left before it could matter.

I looked at online dating the same way. I was testing my options. I never went out more than a few times with any guy, because that meant I was restricting my options. And what if the perfect guy was my next date? I couldn’t screw around with fate like that. So I wandered around, kind of aimlessly, hoping someone would trigger that “spark.” And when he did, then I started questioning everything about him, about us – what red flags was I not seeing? How could he hurt me?

One man called me on it. I remember the phone call distinctly – he wanted a real relationship and I wasn’t sure. I told him we should keep things as they were, and see how it went. Then he got angry. “You say you want to see how things go. But that’s what we’ve been doing. Face it – you really don’t know what you want!” I sat silent on the phone, wondering what to make of him. At first I was defensive. Of course I knew what I wanted, and it wasn’t him!